Akihabara
by outerelf
Summary: Onee-sans, Tsundere's, Dominatrix ladies, oh my! Who shall win this fight? Who will win the hart of the spiky-haired boy? *Warning: This may contain some High Octane Nightmare Fuel and the writer will not be held responsible for any mental images.


Aogami Pierce and Tsuchimido smirked evily, staring at each other with the exact same look. Touma, staring around with curious eyes, didn't notice their look as he scratched the back of his head casually with one hand.

Then, with a wild grin, Aogami shouted out, "I'm in heaven! I have all of the girls I like in here. Ojou-sama's, goth girls wearing black, goth girls wearing white-"

Touma backed up at Pierce's shout, straight into breasts of a woman behind him. Flushing bright red he backed out, waving a hand apologetically, "I apologize! This Kamijou Touma did not mean to walk into your breasts!"

The girl, instead of getting offended, smiled instead as she wrapped both arms around him, stuffing his head into her chest. "Aww, it's alright my dear, I know you didn't mean for it-"

Touma flailed in his Marshmellow Hell, as Aogami whistled in response. Several girls, and guys for that matter, were beginning to flock around. One of the girls, with twin pigtails, touched Aogami's hair. "That's an amazing blue! What did you do to dye your hair that way? And which anime are you cosplaying?"

"Kami-yan, are you enjoying yourself? You like an onee-san personality..."

Touma's head popped up with a near audible pop as he shouted back, "Don't say that sort of stuff out loud-"

A loud squeal cut him off, as a few girls looked at Tsuchimido, "Oh my, that's such a cute way to end your sentences! Really, it is! And you have such a unique style!"

Touma considered creeping away, but was unexpectedly caught by the hand. "So, tell me, what character are you cosplaying as? And that hair- what sort of gel do you use to keep it up?"

The woman that had originally been choking him eyes flashed, as she reached from beneath her skirt, pulling out a whip and cracking it mid-air. "Back off Girls! I found him first!"

Tears in his eyes, Touma cried out, "SUCH MISFORTUNE! AAARRGGHHH!"

Tsuchimido and Aogami traded looks that said the exact same thing. 'We apologize Touma, but we'll be sure to burn some incense on your grave.'

"You're no help at all!" Touma yelled, as in a fit of desperation, and with strength born fighting squishy magicians, he wiggled out of the grip.

The woman shrieked in outrage as Touma went barreling down the street, at 'Misaka Mikoto is Going to Demand a Fight' setting- the second highest setting he had in his repertoire. The highest, and never used unless in extreme situations was 'Valentines Day'.

A group of semi-chubby boys comparing Gundam models wandered out into the street, and Touma, in a desperate bid to escape, plowed through them, apologizing as he went, "I apologize, but I'm afraid I have to get through! Crap, what's with this stupid luck! Grr- SUCH MISFORTUNE!"

The cry lingered in the air, as Touma managed to thread his way through. The woman wielding the whip took one look at them, before she raised the whip menacingly in the air.

All the boys scattered out of her way, except for one who watched the whip with hungry eyes. "Yes, Master! Please use that on one so unworthy!"

The woman smirked as she flicked her whip, and it brushed the side of the boys face, leaving behind a small mark. The boy practically fainted from pure love right then and there.

Touma resisted the urge to pull his hair out from his head. Why couldn't girls ever, ever be nice to him? Why did he always get stuck with the weirdo ones? Where was his Landlady Onee-san?

Hurriedly he darted around a corner, not exactly looking where he was going.

Of course, with his luck, he crashed into hello with a woman he recognized all too well. "K-Kanzaki-san? What are you doing here?"

The saint stared at him in equal surprise. She was wearing her usual costume of a white shirt tied up to show her navel, and jeans that had one leg cut off, showing off a snowy white thigh.

It was highly stimulating for any high-school boy, but for Touma it was slightly mitigated by the fact that he knew this woman had fought an angel. And gotten away with barely a scratch. An _angel_.

The woman beneath him began growing bright red as she stared up at him. Touma stared down at her in stunned surprise, before the crack of a whip reminded him of why he was running. "I'm so sorry Kanzaki-san, but I gotta run!"

Touma attempted to stand up, only to have a oiled leather wrap around his waist. He cried out in pure terror as the woman yanked the whip back, dragging her prey closer.

Kanzaki reacted before thinking. She grabbed the sword sheathed at her side, and drew it, crying, "Nansen!"

Wire strands lashed out, wrapping around Touma's flailing arms and yanking him backwards.

The Onee-san personality glowered at the Dominatrix personality. Kind and loving vs. harsh and painful. It was a fight that was going to go down in history.

However, Kamijou Touma was not enjoying this fight at all as wires on his arm and the whip around his waist was slowly but surely tearing him in half.

Aogami Pierce and Tsuchimido came around the corner, a girl hanging off each arm on Aogami, and Tsuchimido watching the girls wearing maid dresses with a keen eye. "Ah, Touma, you're still alive?"

"No thanks to you! Help me out here! I'm about to be torn in half!"

Kanzaki's eyes widened, before narrowing aggressively at the girl across from her. "Let go of Kamijou-san."

"Why don't you let go of him girlie! I found him first, besides-" One arm warped coyly around the unlucky boy's waist as the woman smiled sweetly, "I can show him a lot more pleasure then a girl like you ever could."

Touma stared at the woman in horror, as a large, red blush began to spread across his face.

Dark stares and an angry miasma began to descend on all watching boys, as angry mutters rippled through the crowd, "Lucky boy, die already! How dare you play two girls! Die! Die!"

Touma would've waved his arms frantically, firmly declaring that he had no intention of going with the girl, when Kanzaki broke in for him, wrapping both arms around his head, and pulling the spiky head back until it nestled between two large breasts.

Now, Touma's words died before he could even start them, as his brain took a trip to Academy City, leaving behind a single message: _Supersize Me_

Tsuchimido and Aogami traded looks, before grinning and nodding. Then, they turned with a flourish and called out, "All those who want to place bets on who will win, come over here! The odds against the Whip Girl are 3:1 as the guys personal preference are Onee-san types!"

"I'll put five hundred yen on the Big Breast Girl!"

"Three on the one near the waist!"

"No, no, I'll put four on him choosing neither!"

Shaa-

The crowds babbling grew louder and louder as Kamijou Touma attempted to make sense of what was going on. His head- he wasn't going to think about it. His waist- wasn't going to think about that either.

He was caught in-between two girls. All right, he could start there. He was caught. Now- how to get away? Without damaging his manliness? "W-Wait! Tsuchimido, Aogami, aren't you going to help me out here?"

The two were way too busy raking in the money from the bets to notice his cry.

Sobbing, he returned his attention to the two glowering women. This was terrifying. This was worse then all the times he walked in on girls, because then they generally did something- these two were doing it all by themselves!

Touma gently yanked at the wires and the whip, wondering what he had to do to get away. If it came to a showdown between the two women, he had no wish to stick around and see what would happen.

A crackle of lightening sent the two women jumping back, as Touma collapsed onto the floor. A red faced, loudly huffing girl stood at the edge of the crowd. "_You_. I came here in order to read manga, and what should I find except for a spiky-haired idiot playing two girls at once! What is the meaning of this?"

"No, no! That is not my intention! This Kamijou Touma-"

Touma's words were drowned out as Tsuchimido shouted at the top of his lungs, "And a Tsundere Personality joins the fray! It's the ultimate showdown! Is everybody placing their bets?"

The crowd began to get noisier and noisier as they began to change their bets placed. Touma blinked as he looked around the crowd. All he needed now was to run. But in which direction?

At the sight of three hands reaching for him, he chose the only direction he could- right behind him.

Scurrying like a crab, he moved backwards into the crowd, before a strong hand caught ahold of his shoulder. Trembling fitfully he turned to look.

It was Misaka Imutou. "Misaka asks fitfully if you are trying to escape, as she would lend you her help in escaping the original."

"Escape would be nice."

"Very well then, Misaka states as she pulls out the big guns. Please take this chance and run, Misaka murmurs quietly as she begins firing."

Touma ducked and ran in horror as Imutou pulled the literally large gun from seemingly out of nowhere to begin firing into the crowd- taking care to fire most bullets in the direction of the other three girls.

The escaping Kamijou had only one thought to offer up. _It isn't my fault._

Quickly he darted through the crowds, and into a small café. No one would look for him here, would they?

"Welcome back Master!"

The chorus of voices made him start unexpectedly as he turned around. A huge group of girls wearing maid uniforms and holding menus stood before him, smiling happily. "Would you like to take a seat?"

"Ehrm, this may sound odd, but this Kamijou Touma is in some desperate trouble, so do you mind if I hide out here for a short time? Please!"

The girls looked at him, at his clasped hands and bowed head, and then at each other. "Well, we're not supposed to, but… certainly! So long as you do something for us!"

"I'll do anything at this point!" The girls looked at each other with sly grins, as Touma got the express feeling that he might of just said something he shouldn't of.

* * *

Accelerator was so not having a good day today. The little brat had mentioned that she wanted to come here today due to some interesting information from one of her subordinates, and so here he was- without the brat that had run off.

"I swear once I find that little brat I'll strangle her!" The albino raged uselessly to the heavens.

Narrow eyed he glanced around the street, searching for something that could've caught the brats eye. She was young, couldn't run far. Thus-

At last he settled on a maid café on the edge. It looked interesting enough that Last Order would be drawn towards it. Grumbling he made his way into the café.

Only to find a certain spiky-haired idiot efficiently being stripped of all of his clothing, as a few giggling girls held up a maid uniform. The giggling and Kyaah-ing stopped as head turned towards him.

The idiot stared at him from where he was clutching onto a pillar, clothes half off. Accelerator stared back at him, before silently closing the door.

"Oiiii! Don't close the door on me! Help me out here! Wait! Accelerator! Help me!"

Accelerator turned away, muttering about being scarred for life, when two hands reached out and caught him around the shoulders, yanking him back into the shop.

The staff, suddenly bereft of a human presence to prop up slowly clattered to the ground.

* * *

Tatemiya grinned knowingly as he strolled along the sidewalk, laughing at the red-haired magician that looked at the streets and staring people with ill concealed disgust. They were looking around for the Supreme Pontiff- she had gone here in order to gain a few items for the ritual, and she hadn't been back in awhile.

"Salvare zero zero zero! The one who was saved becomes the hand that saves! Seven Flashes!"

A loud cheer rose up from a gathered crowd, and the man ran towards the crowd, wondering if his leader was being attacked. Stiyl followed behind in a close run, wondering what exactly was going on as well. It wasn't like Kanzaki to go attacking people on the streets-

"It looks like the fight is really beginning to heat up! On one hand the Onee-san Personality has the upper hand with her wires, but the Dominatrix nee-san is holding her own by countering with her whip! Ooh, it looks like Tsundere is missing into the fray and sending lightning up the wires! Looks like the Nee-san is going have to abandon her wires- oh, wait! She connecting them with the ground so the electricity harmlessly bounces off!"

The two magicians gaped at the blue haired boy perched on top of a box, near the clearing of the people, narrating the fantastic battle that was going on. They had never heard of him before, and he was certainly no magician- so what kind of idiot got so close to the fighting?

"Ah, Tatemiya! Stiyl, you here to place bets as well? The best odds are on the Onee-san personality winning, but the Tsundere is quickly climbing her way up- ooh, looks like she just broke even."

The two men could only watch as the normally reserved Kanzaki-san glowered at the two women before her, holding her sword in battle position.

The Domanatrix was currently in the worst position, having only a leather whip to defend herself with, but she seemed to be the most cunning as well, by coyly pointing out, "It looks like the guy we're fighting about is no longer here. How about we call a truce and find him before continuing?"

Zaa-

Sparks flew from Mikoto's bangs as she smirked. "Hah, afraid you're going to loose?"

A angry vein began throbbing on the woman's forehead, and her whip cracked menacingly in the air. "Oh, you want to bring it on, flat-chested middle school girl? You're not really in the running, you're just an outsider that butted in-"

"F-Flat chest huh?" Mikoto let out a low and eerie laugh as her hand plunged into her skirt pocket.

Tsuchimido, recognizing the signs, grabbed Aogami by the shirt collar and abandoned the circle as the tsundere raised her trembling hand into the air, pointing it at the dominatrix. "I didn't want to do this in a crowded area, but tell me, have you ever heard of a weapon called the Railgun?"

Wizards looked at each other in confusion, as the sci-fi maniacs went pale, and also began running for cover. One thumb flipped the coin into the air, as Mikoto said, "Here, let me teach you!"

Electricity crackled through the air, until at last it was only the magicians and the idiots watching her. Tsuchimido and Aogami took cover behind the large boxes of figurines and Aogami took this opportunity to keep his commentary running. Snatching a megaphone from a surprised store owner, he began to happily bellow, "It looks like the Tsundere is going to pull out some big moves by firing a railgun! How will the Dominatrix react and counter? What will the Onee-san do?"

Said onee-san was seriously beginning to consider sneaking away. The domantirx woman spotted her look, and said, "Oh no you don't! We're going to settle this here and now!" The whip lashed out and caught the sword, yanking it towards the woman, and she caught the sword easily.

Kanzaki felt a vein throb in her own forehead. How dare she!

With the abilities born of a saint, she tackled the other woman, sending her rolling. "It looks like the onee-san is beginning to show her steel interior! Now all we need is some mud~"

Kabooom!

Forgotten about, Mikoto's railgun plowed through the space that the two women had originally been at. The smoking, red hot furrow in the ground sent off some slight electricity, and Mikoto's foot descended on the box that Aogami had originally been standing on.

More then one man dived for the ground, trying to get a peek- Only to find shorts.

Dreams shattered, several men turned away, sobbing to themselves.

Mikoto ran a hand through her hair, electricity jumping from palm to hair. "Now then, shall I destroy you both?"

* * *

Touma and Accelerator stared at each other with the exact same looks, as the girls giggled in the background, "Pictures, we need to take some pictures! It's Traps! Where else are we going to get such perfect traps?"

"This is all your fault." Accelerator stated, glowering at Touma.

Touma crouched down, hands over head. "I'm no longer fit for marriage."

A light flashed, and both boys looked up, surprised as the girls holding the cameras giggled and laughed to each other as they flashed the cameras around. Accelerator took a step forward, and wobbled on his feet, before collapsing on the ground, right next to Touma.

Three lights flashed at the same time, as the squealing reached an all time high. Accelerator considered flipping on his choker and killing them all now. "Aww, don't those two make such adorable traps? Especially the albino, since he doesn't have that much hair to begin with. We had to give the other one hose to cover it all up."

Depressed auras crushed the two boys as they sat through the picture taking. The girls had barred and locked the doors, there were covers on the windows, there were four girls surrounding the two of them- and Accelerator felt something within him snap.

With an evil chuckle his hand reached for the choker, and flicked it on. Touma, hearing the click, head raised in order to find what made the click.

The cameras shattered as Accelerator gestured, and the girls screamed in response. Accelerator gestured sharply, and clenched his fist, meaning to get in at least one punch.

Touma's right hand automatically rose to block, smacking the hand away. All of the girls squealed as extra cameras appeared from nowhere, taking pictures. "A-Accelerator, please, don't make us fight like this, everyone will see-"

"I'm going to kill you!"

Touma ducked and ran for the shop entrance, rolling out into the street still dressed in his maid uniform. The people on the street stopped to stare and whisper as he awkwardly clambered to his feet, flashing off what was underneath to a good amount of people as well.

Accelerator exploded out of the café, an insane look in his eyes. Touma took one look and began running for dear life.

And- as he was running for dear life, he didn't exactly look where he was running towards, and ended up right back where he started; crashing into a woman.

"M-Misaka Mikoto?" He squeaked out, staring at the slightly dazed girl underneath, before the sound of running footsteps reminded him of why he was running, and he shot to his feet to take off running once more.

The three combatants slowly lowered their weapons. "Oh," The dominatrix woman said in slight disappointment, "He's a tranny, huh? Or a trap- too bad."

Kanzaki stared after his retreating form, as both Tatemiya and Stiyl glanced at each other- they knew about Touma's rather bad luck and could guess what had happened. "I-I see. I wonder if he likes being the bottom then…" Kanzaki murmured quietly to herself, causing both men to panic.

"No-No way that was just the moron. He's not that type of guy, right? W-Well, even if it is his hobby I won't say a word… Grr- How can someone with hobbies like that negate all my attacks?"

* * *

Kamijou Touma wearily entered the hotel room, wheezing for breath. A chase downtown, through the subway station, through back alleyways, getting spotted by drunkards and delinquents, getting chased again, only to find and help give directions to a girl whom was lost, and then being chased by more delinquents…

All while in a maid uniform.

Silently he collapsed onto his bed, muttering, "Such Misfortune."

"Oh, Kami-yan, it looks like you had a rough day!" Touma twitched at that voice, as he slowly turned to see Tsuchimido standing in the doorway. He was holding the pictures that came from the cafe. "I wonder how much I can sell these for... Oi, wait a second Kami-yan! Don't clench your fist! What are you going to do with that bed sheet- wait, nooses aren't for fun!"

* * *

_a/n: ... Yeah, this is a request story. Hope you all enjoyed it! If you did, please leave a review!_


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